Kindness VS truth…is there a fine line?

by Stephanie on March 5, 2014

Oxford dictionary….Kindness: The quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate.
The truth : the real facts about something : the things that are true

Now that we have established the difference between those two things, how can we use them as companions? Where do we draw a line between “Hurting someone” or “Telling the truth”? “Helping” or “Hindering” someone, how do we know the difference?

As people with ADHD we often express ourselves before really thinking about it. We speak our minds without worry for consequences…well that is until it hits us either a few minutes later, hours later or sometimes even days later.

“I was just telling the truth” As human beings we are natural gossip machines. We thrive on drama. However, sometimes when we’re the ones who are creating the drama we realize what we are doing or saying is merely producing a show for us to watch. We fumble around with lives, not caring who we destroy just that it is entertaining and sometimes less boring than our lives.

I have noticed this trend and have been working within myself to stop doing this. It is okay to participate in a session to squish out our own frustrations. It is not okay when it is deliberately to hurt someone or belittle someone.

I feel it isn’t okay to try and pour out the opinion of what one person thinks of someone and replace it with your own. Details of a persons life should not be shared unless you know that it will hurt someone quite a lot if they don’t know.

For example, my sister Sara, was being considered for a volunteer position at my work. I knew the amount of integrity she had. Although I love her very much, she would not have been a good match for the place I work. I told the boss for the good of the seniors. That is okay.

Using a mistake I made in my life to gain power over me and make me look like nothing is not okay. It means you continuously will stay in a shroud of anger, punishing a person again and again until there is nothing left of them.

Punishing someone for a mistake, puts you in two places “Vengeful Truth” as well as “Hindering Truth”

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Vengeful truth is all about doing things to hurt a person but masking it behind: I was just telling the truth. It is the truth, or perhaps a piece of the truth bent and twisted. It is all information to destroy a person, it is done out of anger, fear and jealousy. If you are in this place, get out quickly. Destroying that person will not take away your anger, it will not make you any less fearful of the unknown and it certainly will not appease your jealousy.

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Hindering truth is truth that hinders you more than the person you are destroying. Living in a world where you can’t let go of the negative truth nor can you see any of the positive that also lives within the true person who hurt you.
When you decide to see nothing but the negative, you are tying the true you up. You are stuck in a place where you can’t breathe. As a person you become less sure of who you are and the relationships you build. You trust no one and push everyone away. People will respect you but often out of fear and not love. If you are in a hindering truth stance, sometimes you can’t get out alone, you need to heal your life.

Telling the truth can be positive as well. For instance, if Michael needs to hear why I am upset so it doesn’t become a never-ending story of hurt. If I do not express myself truthfully, I cannot distinguish between what I need and I become angry or upset, which is not who I am.

Not saying anything about what you’re thinking and focusing on the person’s feelings is also okay. Sometimes we can be worse for the situation than helpful. ADHD people want others to hear what they have to say so bad. They want to have a comeback for everything that a person says, plenty of advice and truthful statements.

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However, there are just times we ADHERers are lodging our foot in our mouth with no hope of getting it out again. People do not always need advice! They don’t always need to know that they are wrong. Nine times out of ten, if they already don’t know they are wrong, they will figure it out on their own. Sometimes, you just have to be there and feel for their situation. Be there, comfort them, that’s the nice factor that we spoke about.

We don’t have to always have the last laugh or the advice column available. I am beginning to learn there has to be a balance. When need I speak my truth to make sure my opinion is known, I do it, and often times tell the person to take it or leave it. When they just need a person to listen I have to hold my tongue and listen or just add in things to let them know I am listening. It is a hard balancing act for anyone.

Kindness and truth can be used together. Truth can help or hurt people. It is up to you which to go for but please, remember, when you destroy someone’s life you are destroying yours as well. Like follows like, negative actions will bring negative reactions so be careful

(To get pics I searched google for: Vengeful people, person tied up, foot in mouth I do not own these pictures)

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Giving people control

by Stephanie on February 28, 2014

I had an experience last week in which I gave up my control. It is something I am working on as when you have ADHD, you often feel incompetent. It is almost easier to let everyone else control your life and tell you how to do it “right”. This way may not be right for you but it is right for them. I have dealt with this time and time again.

When I was younger, I let my sister take control and fill out all the paperwork for me to go to school. I never learned how to do it myself. I figured, she is smarter and better than me.

She did it so often, Sara actually convinced me to take courses I didn’t need, thinking I should become what she was becoming.

Is there way better than my way? I would let decisions be made for me thinking my way was a for of being out of control. However, I have learned otherwise. In order to become the best me, I have to take responsibility for myself. This often means, making my own decisions.

For instance what happened last week. I gave my power to my father, allowing him to step on me and make me feel like I was nothing. I let him get to me, let him make me cry. It effected my whole night, I was not able to sleep until late.

I then during family pictures let that fear stop me from doing things I wanted prior as I was worried about looking good. I was still upset over what had happened with my father, not even really wanting to see him out of fear he would say mean things about how I dress up normally.

When we give our choices to someone else out of fear, we let our outer selves look weak and often allow people to step on us. I am trying harder to call people on the often degrading things I once allowed people to do to me. They presumed me weak because I had a tolerant heart.

I even had a friend at work once throw a piece of crumpled paper at my head, didn’t yell back at them nor did I tell them that was not appropriate. Why did I let people do that? Why did I let them push me around?

I knew I was different, things people could easily do, I had trouble with. However, now I know that doesn’t make me less of a person. I will continue on working on my power and the beautiful person within me.

It isn’t easy to realize your voice is important but it is worth it.

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ADHD and a future Mommy??? hmmm…

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Having ADHD can be challenging! The hardest part is my husband and I determining us being parents soon. I think the biggest headache I have is this subject. As my biological clock is screaming BABY, my husband worries about a few subjects…most of all, basically two years with no concerta to aide me in my […]

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NON ADHD SPOUSE Working with their partner

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Decoration Blues

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Seem the adventures of Stephanie and Michael continue. After going over to our friend Mark’s I felt a sense of peace. You see, I had left the religion of my parents…they think I am crazy. However, talking to my friend made me feel that there is no wrong decision in this case. I felt like […]

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Sleep and hyper-focus

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Accepting What Is

December 19, 2013

It has been interesting week. my husband Michael has troubles saying I love you with words. Sometimes this can be really frustrating to me as I am very audio thus, depend on listening to understand what is going on. This can be most frustrating when one has ADHD as well! One because your brain picks […]

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Stress and The Validation Cycle

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DANGER! Making people’s validation of you the only way you can gain self worth.  It is a process and a trap many people get into. If someone else isn’t praising you or telling you you’re not doing a good job, a person might think they are not worth anything. AH! STOP!This evaluating your own self […]

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ADHD and Tests…what goes on in my head during a test?

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Test taking is something that has always challenged me. I wrote a little about it in my last article. People have no idea though how it scares me. Even now, filling out a form that looks like a test is scary. I remember my one friend Li (Not real name) was having problems remembering facts […]

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