Marriage, Hobbies, Family and Friends

by Stephanie on December 18, 2014

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Okay people, this is the funniest lesson I had to learn when I first got married. My husband is a great guy and I love him ever so much. However, do we have to spend every waking moment together? The answer is no.

Do not get me wrong, I do lots with him. However, when I was first married, I assumed that my whole life would have to rotate around his. I went to all his martial art classes. I thought I had to do everything he wanted to do.

What I learned? I freaked him out watching him to his class. He tried to encourage me to do my own class. I started going with my brother Aron to the gym while he did his work out.

Although right now my brother is not doing this, as he is not in town. I grew with my brother in ways that I didn’t see possible in a nine year age difference.

I also made plans with my friend Mirranda doing everything from mountain hikes to shopping trips. I loved my monthly Mirranda date more than anything.

I have a once a month shopping fest with another brother.
I have a weekly visit with my mother who I love.
I phone my Dad and Step Mom once a week to keep contact.

Meanwhile my husband does his martial arts, goes to toastmasters and does stuff with his family.

He has done stuff with friends as well.

It works because we love each other and respect each other. There is nothing better than him telling me of his plans. We coordinate, write on the calendar. Sometimes though I forget and he has to do a summary.

He encourages me to knit, do my art and be me.

One time, Michael tried to use me as an excuse to quit his martial arts. I wouldn’t let him quit and yes, he is still going.

So you see people, you do not have to give up your whole life to be married. Marriage means you lift the best part of each other. If your partner doesn’t do this, it is up to you to teach them how to respect you.

If you teach them it is okay for them to pull you down, they will continue to do that. Michael has taught me to respect him in several ways. At first in our marriage we had to learn how to talk to each other and not always demand our own ways.

We also both have sacrificed to give the other person what they need. Michael wasn’t feeling good the other day but still drove out to meet some friends for my sake.

Sometimes at night, Michael has been really antsy. He wants to move or do something when I have gotten home from work. I am tired and do not feel like going anywhere. He will sometimes go for an evening walk while I stay home and lounge.

However, of course we still do things together. I love my husband a lot. Asking him to provide for all my needs is just wrong. He is one person and cannot be expected to be everything to me.

Reader, take my advice, a marriage should not take away from who you are. To love your partner, you have to love yourself. To feel like yourself, you have to allow yourself time to be you by pursuing your interests not just theirs.

You need to allow your spouse and yourself alone recharge time. Whether you’re extroverted like me and need to have a sea of friends to recharge you or, you’re like Michael who needs to curl up to a good book for some alone time.

BE YOURSELF with your marriage, hobbies friends and family.

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Connecting

by Stephanie on December 8, 2014

I am a person with ADHD, I feel I am different. I am special, I can create and I am very sensitive to others feelings. I am smart but do not always live up to my potential because sometimes I can’t.

When people tell me that something should be obvious to me, it isn’t always the case. When people want me to add in my opinion, I often freeze as I am scared it either comes across as a “Know it all” attitude or that it comes out completely wrong and people think I have no idea where I am in a conversation.

People around me can be great at first and bore me later. As hard as I try, I will be listening to a conversation and get distracted by something. I then hear them wanting validation that I have been listening and I have to go back in my mind and pick out parts I remember, bringing the conversation back to where they wanted it to be.

Meanwhile, I am six thousand thoughts ahead of them. I have been on their topic probably ten minutes ago which mutated into a whole paper on their subject and moved onto a few new ones that probably connect but wouldn’t make the least bit of sense to them.

The other big problem is fear. I had been part of an organized religion for a long time and left due to personal reasons. This has made it harder to connect with people. I had been this one person all my life and suddenly like a puff of smoke it was all gone.

I was used to simple friendships and interactions. As being part of the same club, you are seen as accepted easily. You don’t have to really work at it, you just go with the theme of the club.

When I left, I didn’t phone up any of these friends. I guess I wanted to know, are you my real friend, or are you my friend because I am part of the religion? I had a few that responded to me but let’s face it, the one part I had in common with them was gone. Most of them disappeared.

I felt very alone. I felt like I was happier away from the religion that had before been a source of my happiness but also a source of my pain. I felt like I was glad to be away but longed to have that friendship, the easy friend pool.

However, the more I look around me, the more I see I am not alone. The more I learn this the more I want to connect with people and see their lives. I realize that people have been there. They have faced the same problems I have.

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When you drop your “victim suit of armour” you let people in and a whole new world becomes available to you. Being the victim forces you to become more of a servant, you serve everyone’s needs but your own. Your identity and who you are is based on how others feel about you.

This can be dangerous. It can mean that you are almost like a feasting vampire, only connecting to fulfill your needs, to give until the sense of who you are is given to you by another. It is a hard life. Believe me, I have lived it many times over.

However, this amour, this victim suit although may appear to make you happy, in the end you lose out on your personal power. You instead take from everyone else to make your self esteem shine, your victim suit then becomes justified.

What I am hoping for myself and others is to become not the servant to someone else’s army. I want to become the warrior in my own life. I want to know who I am for myself and not have to rely on others for their definition of who and what I am.

I want to know that I am able to fight for what I love and to connect to others that share the same value.

So how do we stop the “Servant” way of thinking? We have to CONNECT.

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C= Comport. This is how you conduct yourself, how you want to be seen in this world. You cannot have positive connections with people if you cannot have a positive connection with yourself. Make a list of traits you want in a positive empowering friend. These are the traits you need to work on in yourself or you will always attract friends who are negative.

O = Out as in a way out. The way out of feeling like the victim is to get rid of or distance yourself from other “Victim Armoured” individuals. This may be hard because they may have been some of your best friends. However, right now is a time to connect with people who will move you forward so you can heal.

N=Novel or innovative things to do. When you are trying to connect with others, being able to get out and do new things is a great way of meeting people.Maybe it is not the newest idea. Maybe join an art class or something you’re interested in. But do you things that drive passion into your lives. Not only will you notice the difference but the people around you will too.

N= Navigate or make a plan to navigate. What do you want out of life? Don’t know right away? That’s okay, make a list of things that make you happy or would make you happy and do them. Once you have a “Map” you can navigate where you want to go with ease.

E= Experts. There is always this one person you know who somehow manages to run into people who are interesting to you. USE THEM! It sounds shallow but it isn’t. These experts somehow know you better than you know yourself. They know who you are, what you could be and what friends could help you get there. So, use your expert, they could be a brother, a husband or a really nice friend who seems to have it going on.

C= Create as in create times to meet these people. You have loaded yourself to the point of exhaustion, you will never have time to meet these people. Be creative if you are not financially able. Meetup groups are one way to try new things and experiences (This is one I am hoping to try).

T=Truthful. Truthfully showing up when you’re supposed to. When we do this it means opportunities. Being late or not going somewhere you say you’re going makes it hard to connect or keep a connection. Turn up and be willing to be truthful. Be honest about who you are now. This equals opportunities for success later.

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So let’s shed the skin of victim and connect with others who may help us to heal ourselves. Let’s become the warriors of our lives. I hope that I may continue to work on this part.

Know that you are worthwhile. With that you deserve love, kindness and respect regardless of what you have done in the past or present.

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