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Why is it Easy to be Destructive?

by Stephanie Hurd in Uncategorized
November 18, 2012 2 comments

Why is promoting success in your life so hard and designing destruction so easy? Simple, moving forward is hard work, staying the same and making people feel for you is undemanding. It is easy to stand on a pity party box and scream at what troubles you in life. In fact, many people relish it to the point of, if you interrupt it, they are upset that you have ripped the box from under them.

We use many ways to shout out why we suck or our lives aren’t fair. We tell friends at work how our lives aren’t fair. Worse, we complain about our friends all day long behind their backs or to our bosses. We go on facebook and let everyone know how crappy things are going.

Sometimes, we are so destructive, relishing in every moment of it. We then hurt ourselves. We create this world where we are so deep within it that we cannot move forward as whenever we do, we find a way to complain about it thus, stopping us in our place.

So how are we destructive?

 

First off, some people have a disparaging confidence. With this type of confidence, you simply rip apart those who are weaker than you in order to gain status. I have had this happen to me. My sister, who had no other control in her life, made it her life mission to destroy me so I would look weaker than her.

She would tell me I was ugly. She would call me geek and freak, tell me that because I couldn’t clean things I would never amount to anything. My sister made me feel that I would always be less than her. In this way, she used a destructive lightning to zap me of my power for many years, I let her do it because after she said it often enough, I thought it was true.

I have also witnessed this at work. People who are good at their job but then fall into this trap of having to destroy everyone around them until they are the last one standing. They think they are happy but often they are not. When you are like this, people don’t like being around you and guess what? They will not stick around you.

Holding back love and intimacy is another very destructive move. Detached people decide to use love as a weapon. They try to get you into their circle by pretending to love you or rather by using your love to their advantage. These people are typically radiant, someone you think you want around you but then they snap, they hold back their love until you meet their expectations. This is vile and most deceitful.

I have a friend that is like this, if her husband doesn’t be exactly who she wants to be, they may not be intimate for months until he does what she says. Now don’t get me wrong ladies and gentlemen, there is a difference between not wanting or desiring to be intimate and refusing as an ultimatum.

Next on our list is Unhealthy submission that is submitting to the point where your appetite for a beautiful life, is another very destructive mode of living. Imagine truly giving up your essence and instead you determine how utterly useless you are because you have a flaw. Thus, you decide you are allowing others to walk all over you as you think your needs as nothing.

When I first was married, I didn’t feel like I deserved my husband. It got to the point that I stopped painting and creating. I let him make every single plan and would follow it deciding making him happy was better than making me happy. Well here’s what happened, I snapped. I stopped trying to make him happy. I was to the point that I was stopping him from going to his martial arts class every week. I couldn’t believe how overwhelmed I was. The simple answer, I submitted for no reason.

I have a voice and I can say no. Sometimes I have to say no, no matter how painful it is. No matter how close to a goal we are. If I am sick, if I need to talk, I have to do what’s best for me sometimes. Even if I think I want to do this, I have to remind myself, is it worth sitting around feeling like crap and wallowing in pity or should I just do what’s right for me?

Untamed ambition can be another destructive behavior. It is good to have aspirations and dreams. It is wonderful to have goals in one’s life. However, if your goals mean you drive over people to get there, then you better re-evaluate yourself. Yes, by all means do all you can to make the world a better place but destructive confidence, ripping a person apart so they will bend to your will, is not worth it.

You cannot control people or bend them to your will to meet a goal. You cannot bend the conditions all the time to make your dreams come true. Sometimes, you have to take a breath and realize the goal may be achievable but maybe not today.

For instance, Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer (An amazing read I recommend it), spoke of a group of people who wanted to go up Mount Everest, the largest mountain in the world. I don’t remember all the men’s names.

However, what I do remember is one of the men shelled out a lot of money to get up to the peak. In fact, he’d been up but never ever got to the peak. This man paid one of his guides to keep going up to the top with him despite the gruelling storm the guide knew was on the way. The guide did this and ended up dead because his unruly ambition to make money took over his experience and knowledge of what could happen. A goal he knew could be achievable another day for safety’s sake would never be realized.

 

Cunning Compassion or, the willingness to appear to be compassionate to serve your own needs is a very destructive trait. Being compassionate to allow your wild ambitions to continue to fly, it can be to exploit one’s needs to your advantage or even their weaknesses to your advantage. Don’t do it…it isn’t nice. Making you look like the good guy or just telling the truth…I chose truth.

It is very hurtful to someone when they find out. Like telling a niece or nephew that you not showing up to take them out is good for them because they would have more fun with their friends. You do know they were looking forward to it.

I have asked my husband’s permission to share this story. There was a time when he had texted me about allowing me to study as I was in school and needed time to complete papers. He wasn’t totally thinking of me but more of his slothfulness as he didn’t really want to come to me before his martial arts class as his mother’s house was closer and he could skip out on seeing me and on wasting gas.

However, little did he know, I spent the last three hours cooking a beautiful meal for him. Had he not of come, I would have been severely crushed. By then, we were engaged and almost married. I told him, “If you skip out on me to save gas I will be crushed because I just spent three hours cooking for you.”

He found it funny, I did not. He did end up coming home but I was saddened that he would use my “Need” to skip out on seeing me all together for his gain.

 

Brutal hate is a horrid destructive moment that builds in our lives and almost drives us instead of us driving ourselves. It is completely and totally rejecting someone to the point of devastating every aspect of their lives. Talking about them behind their back, ruining opportunities before they get the chance to try them out.

It is something I must admit I have done and I ruined three years of my life. I decided never to forgive my mother. She had wronged me in a thing that I didn’t understand really. I didn’t want to speak to her, be with her or love her ever again.

When she entered a room, I pretended she wasn’t there. If she tried to touch me, I took her hand off my shoulder. Three years of this. Believe it or not, it was my sister (Who was now trying to reconcile with me as well as with her) who helped me through this. She taught me that a person cannot allow themselves to truly hate a person or they are just hating themselves.

Selfish Devotion, to have people devoted to you, to serve your needs but to never have that mutual relationship, this is very destructive. It is seeing a person’s generosity and taking it for all it is worth, sucking them dry. You want someone to love you, take care of your every need like a mother did for you at birth but this is not possible. Your umbilical cord has been cut and now you are on your own.

You cannot go back in time. You cannot rearrange your stars so you can have every need met for you.

So what is the positives in here? How can we change this around?

Try taking away the habit of your disparaging confidence by ripping people down to Encouraging Confidence in you. Allow yourself to love, yourself; realize the good and the bad that are in you and accept your flaws.

Instead of holding back love and intimacy allow yourself to share your love freely will allow people to be drawn to your essence. I have noticed a difference in my mood when I am being a loving person to others. I try to treat everyone equally. I do my upmost to love my husband the way he deserves to be loved. When I think of threatening to cut him off, I do my best not to.

Unhealthy submission can be changed to choice. Being about making choices, not about saying yes to everything, it is about thinking things through. I will say yes when I know I can do something and no when I honestly think I can’t. The point is, to chose. You have a brain and the ability to use it. If you chose to go along with whatever anyone else wants you to do, it becomes very unhealthy.

Untamed ambition can turn into educated ambition. Yes, it is great to have a plan. However, what we are taught in recreation therapy is for every plan A there is a plan B through Z. Sometimes what your goal is cannot be met at this time. Thus we have to make an educated and take away the need to always have it the way you want. Face it, life isn’t fair. If this goal is not successful and we try to make it work no matter what, we hurt ourselves and the people around us. Move onto plan B and show compassion to those around you. Maybe plan A will be done at another time.

Cunning Compassion can morph into just plain old compassion. Feel for others, it is an important part of love to try to understand people and place them in your heart the same way you wish they would place you in theirs. The more compassion you show to others, the more you will get back in return.

Brutal hate may evolve into selfless love. Isn’t it good to love people for who they are? Not ruining them but lifting them up. I heard this from somewhere, I have no idea where. A good friend will always leave you better than they found you. Lift people up…don’t hate them. You don’t have to get along with everyone but ruining their lives will only make you look like the fool.

Changing Selfish Devotion to balanced relationship is a worthy goal. Allowing yourself to have an equal partnership. No one can love you for twenty four hours and care for every need without hating you. Thus, think of selfish devotion as a firing squad on your friendship. When you listen and are listened to, it is a less destructive relationship.

 

To close off, I am Stephanie, I have ADHD and I am learning how not to be destructive.

 

2 Comments
  1. Mike, Merc's bud :p says:

    How about hyper-resiliency, hyperfocus, training your brain… you know extensively training yourself in language as well as automating the physical motor pathways used in speaking can harness tremendous development of your temporal lobes and temperoparietal lobe, which, with enough development allow for a linguistic surrogate for working memory… time dilation goes, so lateness becomes less likely, you can use meta narratives (linguistic paraphrasing faster than and more automated than non verbal thoughts, tied semantically… to link your scattered thoughts post hoc … because the the acetylcholine deficits in our hippocampuses inhibit the continuity of time to connect those 1 second scattered thoughts, lol, when your totally ADD’ed out. Lol, I love ADD.

    1. Michael Hurd says:

      I’m going to need to chat with you in order to better understand what you just said. Sounds fascinating, but you’ll need to slow down and explain some of those words for my non-ADHD brain.
      I hope we can do a skype interview soon.

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