An assumption is promptly placing a judgement, estimate or review on something. Why do we assume things? Sometimes you need to make assumptions…it’s where your fight and flight reactions help you. If a car is coming at you real fast, it is safe to assume you should move. People are much more complicated than that.
This isn’t to tear any particular person down, it is more for understanding. Understand, change your behavior. What do you need to do then?
TELL THEM IN A NICE WAY AND AT THE RIGHT TIME…
Hate to break it to you, not everything is obvious to everyone else. If I don’t know that you can’t sleep, as you leave the bed not to return, I am going to wonder what happened. With ADHD, we are amazing at hyper-focus. If you don’t tell me what the problem is, I fester in it, I can’t get away from it until I know the answer. Be a good friend, husband, wife or co-worker…just tell them. It will stop fights.
Tell them in the right tone, at the right time, with the right amount of information. TONE is everything. If you tell me in a condescending tone, I am bound to revolt. If you tell me at ten o’clock at night that you’re going to go on a four day trip, of course I am going to be upset because I don’t understand. Maybe my ADHD meds ran out at I am tired and can only think of sleep.
QUESTION…
Are your assumptions doable? Assumptions can be good but also bad. Can I assume if I stand in the middle of a highway/freeway, that I will probably be killed. Yep, that’s why I wouldn’t do that. However, you have to ask yourself, is this fair? Can the person really accomplish what I think they will? For instance, if my husband is sick, there is no way in the world I should come home to a clean house just because he has been there all day.
EXAMINE…
How is the person mentally you’re making an assumption about? Are they alert? How are their facial features? Do they look like they are misunderstanding your expectations or just didn’t hear you.
Face it, with ADHD, the person is saying one thing, but ADDers may hear another. If you want to know if the person is getting what you’re saying and what you’re expecting them to do, get them to repeat it to you. If you, ADDer think that your spouse is saying something and you don’t get it, ask. Asking takes away half of the battle.
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ADHD spouse, always remember, WE ARE ADULTS. We are your spouse first, a person who has ADHD wants to be equal, they just don’t always know how to go about it. If you remember this statement, you will do better being married to a person with ADHD.
When ADDers have “blow ups” it is often because they don’t understand what you wanted. You’re expecting them to JUST KNOW. Sorry, we are not you. You may see the messy room, we may just feel too tired and only see the couch.
In the same respect…ADDers have to say thank you when the spouse carries more of the load. I know the spouse doesn’t want to do this and often feels unappreciated…you’re not, we just forget to tell you sometime.
NO EXCUSES…
ADHD spouse, no lying to your significant other…that goes for the regular spouse, do not lie to each other. With holding the truth is a lie, an excuse. Please don’t always come up with an excuse for when you’re wrong, no one wants to hear that all the time. You were wrong! You failed to do what you were supposed to do. Apologize, come up with a plan to do better next time. This will also stop fights before they stop.
Excuses to me makes me think you don’t respect people. You don’t hold them in high regard, you think you are more important than them, only your needs count. Respecting others is important. Respect leads to trust…when trust is broken it is hard to get back.
RECAP…
Tell people what you want of them. Ask people if they understand what you want of them plus, make sure it is something they can do. When you do make a plan of action, don’t make excuses for why you want to deviate, do what you say you’re going to do. Or, phone the person you have made the plans with and reformulate this plan so it is a win-win.
Respect the person who you are dealing with, they have just as much right to have an opinion as you do. Examine the situation, are your expectations visible to them? Do they understand what you want?
Assuming a person knows what you want or think is basically making them feel foolish but at the same time making you feel foolish. I am Stephanie, I have ADHD and I am learning not to let people make a fool of me. I am learning also how not to let myself make a fool out of others by assuming they know something I just think they know…