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Frustrated with my ADHD

Dear Frustrated One,

Whoever you may be. To the person who says “Why can’t You?” To the people who are sick of repeating things. To those who don’t understand why the same “Lesson” must be taught over and over again. You may have not noticed but I have ADHD.

I may have chosen to tell you this…I may have not. It takes a lot of trust for to tell you this. After all, for years I have been told that this is just an excuse to get me out of interrupting people at the wrong time or from being messy. I have been told everyone loses things not just people who happen to have ADHD.

It has been said that ADHD is a made up disorder or a disorder for kids. This is what doctors do to make more money, to hand out something that is like speed to make me high. Well sorry to disappoint you, I am an adult with ADHD. I live with this disorder every day. Trust me if I didn’t have to take this medication, to be able to do things that you take for granted, I wouldn’t.

ADHD has made you frustrated because you don’t see my disability. I am not in a wheelchair. I don’t have a limp and I don’t use a walker. I don’t talk slurred.

You don’t get to see my pain that I go through.

Whatever you ask me to do takes double the energy, emotion and at times, longer intervals than the average person to accomplish the same task. I am trying to slow my mind down enough to focus on the task you want me to do. I am on medication that is a stimulant so when I take it, think of one hour of work like two hours of work…think of all energy spent as doubled.

Daily tasks are tormenting to a person like me.

The agony of trying to get dressed in the morning but getting distracted and getting ready ten minutes before one has to leave. Being embarrassed because my clothes are inside out because I forgot to put it right side up when folding it. My hair falls out of the bun I think looked good before I went to work.

Hyper focusing over how messy something is but not being able to start as it is overwhelming. Waiting for that time crunch to clean it because it gives me a rush and I can actually accomplish it. Feeling bad because I procrastinated my day away and if I would have just worked on it, I would have been able to do other things, better things.

When I am consistently doing something right loving the praise but I get bored of certain tasks and can’t always be consistent in them. Being told that I shouldn’t have done something without confirming but doing it anyway because I am impulsive and can’t always help it. This all hurts because you can feel those frustrated eyes staring back at you.  You wish you could do better and very often do. However, every so often you slip up and have to be babysat. You wish secretly that you could “Just keep it up” or “Go back to a few months ago” like people want you to.

Remembering an amazing amount of information about one subject but not being able to explain why I did something the way I did. I can remember random historic facts but can’t remember how this table was sitting. It can be rather embarrassing

Certain distractions being worse than others. Random colors on the wall that weren’t there. Two voices talking and not knowing which person’s voice to focus on. Sounds that come from the other side of the room and resisting going to see just what it is. Seeing people looking all focused and having to see/know what they are doing before you move on.

 

Not realizing I have left a Christmas decoration on the wall and it is Valentine’s Day. Why? I don’t know, maybe someone asked me a question while I was cleaning. Maybe I haven’t walked down that part of the hall in a while. Maybe I just didn’t think to look at the whole room. Who knows.

Having troubles when routine is changed. When I think my day is going one way but then realize I have to do all these extra things. I sometimes feel glued to the floor unable to move unless someone snaps me out of it. Other times I feel anxious and almost have to walk in circles just to settle down.

 

Sometimes I have super good interpersonal skills. Sometimes I am so emotional though that if you talk to me, I could feel anything from extreme anger, sadness and happiness. At times, I have felt all of the above in an hour. When things don’t seem like they are working, it is hard for me to fake being happy. Really it is near impossible. When I am thinking, I look angry at times or confused.

 

On top of this, I am an extroverted thinker which means thinking inside my head does not always work. It means I am often caught trying to arrange my thoughts out loud and offending people while doing it. Why? It is not quite what I meant. I haven’t figured it out. When I do, you will see my face change and be determined.

 

Saying something out loud by accident thinking I was saying it in my head. Or worse, thinking I have spoken when I just thought it and people looking at me funny as I say the other half of the sentence. Yes, I have done that more than once.

 

At any rate, I know this is frustrating as I am frustrated at it too. I often realize what mistake I have made but not until after I have done it. I know that you want something done and I haven’t done it and yes, I am very disappointed because I hurt you and that hurts me.

I would just like to be normal. I would like to “Just do it” and get things done. I would like to remember that I left my keys in my jacket…after locking the door.

The medication helps some. However, it is not magic. It doesn’t take away the ADHD. It doesn’t take away the frustrating parts of my personality.

I would never wish ADHD on anyone. It is frustrating to people who don’t understand. It makes you want to hide when you make mistakes that you were told not to. It makes the people around you often work harder while you work hard on things…that don’t always matter to them.

I really wouldn’t give this to anyone. You feel like you accomplished something by writing or cleaning one thing…they think you didn’t do enough.

When you have ADHD you don’t feel like you’re enough and have a low self-esteem as a result. People say “Don’t take it personally”?  I hate to tell them, it is personal. Everything I do, I do with my whole heart, soul and purpose. When I am told it wasn’t good enough or done properly I go from zero to sixty in emotions because I did all I could do. When all I could do wasn’t right, I have to prepare myself to put all of me in to redo something I thought was good.

I work with this every day. I try not to talk about it because often people think I am making excuses instead of telling them what’s going on. I want to explain “I can’t help it” or “Please, help me to find a solution because I am stuck”. However it comes out sounding that I am making excuses or I am stubborn and don’t want to solve it.

So frustrated one, I am sorry for making you feel as such. I am sorry for all the times you have to repeat something. I apologize for offending you. I apologize for not waiting when I should be…especially when I don’t always realize when I should be waiting until after I have rushed ahead and done it. I am sorry for making your life harder at times when you have to check my math. I am sorry when I am messy.

Please forgive me, I will continue to do my best but please frustrated one, know that I appreciate your patience. Kind words of encouragement will get me further than negative phrases. Though I understand you are only human too.

 

Love,

 

Stephanie

 

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