The first Trimester has been gruelling. There have been many stresses that have come. When we chose to get pregnant my husband finally had a steady job which has been hard for him to get.
However this company liked him enough to hire him on full. We were both getting benefits. We both had money and I was able to buy a house. I was so proud of him. I thought wow, for once things are working out.
I thought yes, we are ready to become a family of three instead of remain constant. I have wanted a baby for a long time. However, I was always afraid of having one because we had never been constant. My husbands longest job was three years. It wasn’t as if they didn’t want to keep him, they just ran out of things for him to do, as this was a temp job.
I didn’t want to be in my rental with a baby as it was too small and the guy living in the appartment downstairs was not exactly an understanding guy. So we moved that August. I was pregnant in April. I was so happy. It wasn’t like some of my friends where they were trying forever. I was not feeling good as I said but learned to deal with it.
But…everything cracked down in an almost nightmare situation. Michael Lost his job due to him and his boss not getting along. What a horrible thing he lost his job….I lost all energy really to do anything but work. I was responsible for all the bills and they don’t seem to stop.
He is currently working a temp job that has lasted a while. He is still looking for work. I am still the responsible one not by choice and not because my husband wants me to be that way. It just always seems to go that way. My job has lasted almost 12 years now and doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.
Considering my ADHD that is pretty good. I am doing very well in my job (Well when not pregnant). I have routines in place, my bosses like me. I have grown so much since working there. Even being asked to attend meetings tha I never had to before because of my knowledge.
However, since being more pregnant, I have gotten slower, more scattered brained than ever before. I had to stop taking medication. Old habits slipped in from the procrastinating to the conistient forgetting of what I was supposed to do.
One day I forgot if we were serving both hamburgers and hotdogs at an event. Even though we had the meeting only a few days before.
I did my job. No matter how tired I was I went to work and I worked. I often had to talk to people to renew my energy as by four o’clock there was no energy and no brain cells to do my work. So snack and then go and visit. By doing this I had to stay overtime most days to catch up. We don’t get paid overtime. So I was essentially making up for lost time.
I went to seven elven for lunch as I kept foretting to make one for myself. When I would make one oddly enough it wasn’t that healthy as if I had went to seven eleven. I knew this was adding up moneywise. However, I also knew if I didn’t would be more wonky than I already was.
I was getting insulted for what I was eating when I would eat at work. This has too much salt that has too much sugar. That is processed. I kept thinking well that if you only knew I had a doctors appointment or could not find my watch and had to buy a new one. Or I was so tired, making a lunch was low on my todo list. This is why I am eating a frozen dinner. So I just stopped eating inside with the girls as much as possible.
That’s when the seven eleven trips kicked in. II could go for a walk and pretend for one moment everything was okay again. The weather was crazy good until December. I ate outside and marvelled over every movement this baby made.
I worried still though. My husband kept talking about saving money. Sadly there was not a lot of money to be saved. I was building a savings account before he lost his job., Once again all of that went to bills. I thought about how we couldn’t really afford anything. We didn’t have enough for essentials like a stroller or a car seat.
I could not seem to stop crying. It was mood swings but also it was mainly because once again we were not constant. I thought we would be great and have it all together with this baby and we didn’t. I wanted this kid to have a good life. I think of people who are richer than me who cannot have children and wondered if they would be better parents. I wondered if I would have the resources as this child is likely going to be like his Mommy and have ADHD. I wanted to be able to buy a crib, a stroller, a car seat.
When I looked at the prices of things I wanted to throw up! The “Good stroller” my sister inlaw had recomended was way out of my price range. The carseat my husband wanted was as well. I thought, why did I get pregnant and why does this stuff cost so much?
We had to go used on everything. More than that, accept more help than I have ever accepted in the entire time I have lived on my own. Almost every baby item has come from a family member and not from me. What didn’t come from a family member came from my babyshower.
From the car seat to the stroller to the breast pump to yes even baby’s clothing, all paid for by someone else. What made it worse? I promised myself that I would not be that person who needed to be helped. I promised I would do my best to be independant.
Here I was feeling like a total failure. I cannot provide for my family the way I want to. I cannot give them everything I wanted to give them. Why did I get pregnant when I was barely able to keep the two of us afloat. I had no right to want top bring a baby into that world, I felt like I was being selfish. I had raised children already, why was I wanting to do this again?
And of course as my Dad kept reminding me, “You are finacially responsible for this one, not like the other ones you helped with”. I will say that was not very comforting. In another conversation when I was seven months pregnant he was asking if I was going to have a second one as this one needs a friend. I was thinking I cannot afford the one I am having and you are already planning my second child.
I think I would have planned this baby’s adoption and almost was. However, I had some people that made me see it differently.
My mother inlaw did the majority for us. She shows her love by giving gifts. I love my Mother inlaw. I have always appreciated just sitting in her kitchen and talking to her. She loves us. I love her back. So why would I deny her the ability to show love? That would make me more of a failure.
Other people have been poor and have had children. My Aunt Jo Anna had five boys they are all almost grownup now. They survived one way or another. She told me not to always count oon money to make you or others happy.
My stepmom who shows me what good I have to offer, My real Mom who is supportive and has helped me as well. So yes this pregnancy has been hard. I just hope that when I see that little face is all comes together.