“What the…?”

by Stephanie Hurd in Uncategorized

January 5, 2012 • 4 comments

The trouble with ADHD is simply there is no stopping the speed of my thoughts. A normal person can be described as a responsible driver who sees the yellow light, slows down and coasts to a stop for the red light. ADHD is like a race car driver who takes a wrong turn and ends up on a normal road. As they’re speeding through the road, they see the yellow light. They try to slam on the breaks but still run the yellow as they’re going too fast.

 Since having a significant other, I have noticed more and more the pain of having a brain like mine. Imagine how many things roll in ones brain all at once. It is almost like being wired to a large eight pronged power bar. You can place a million and two plugs in by plugging another one into the first surge protector. Eventually, you’re going to overload your electrical system.

In my case, I often will get one impression from him and jump to a million conclusions that do not really exist all the while still thinking about the rest of life. Words will fly and it leaves him in utter confusion as to what to do with me. I often become a very quiet vessel when this happens and then explode in bouts of crying. I turn off completely, sitting and stewing in my own imagination.

I don’t do this on purpose. It is just I have to go into my brain and find the “Breaker” and make the circuit in my brain go back to normal. However, that is easier said than done.  My brain is like the nasty basement a person sticks all their junk piles in (When they can’t find a place for these things to go). The jungle of piles of thoughts have to be forged through and cut down to finally see the breaker.

 So how can he compete? I mean my imagination is a formidable foe. Sometimes, he asks me what he can do to help me back into where I normally am. As I am normally a bubbly, goofy and fun individual, he wants “Me” back, not the melancholy menace sitting before him.

 I can’t always give him the map to find my “breaker”. Often times, I would like him to ask me what’s wrong. Other times I yearn for him to invite me to do something with him so I can just get over myself. For instance, to invite me to sleep as when I get in these moods, I forget to sleep. I want him to be direct and blunt however, at times he knows I wouldn’t necessarily take it well. I then become disappointed at myself for not having the skills to take what he would have told me.

 I think he’s beginning to get used to it but hates when I get into those “fabulous” moods. I feel his pain. How I wish I could just fix it easily and get out of my own head. Don’t get me wrong, I get out a lot faster than I used to but still need a lot of work.
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One of the inspirations for this site, was to help me with trapped feelings I am sure. As well as to get feelings out; yes, you heard it, to find my “Breaker”. This blog site was his idea. I love writing and my significant other knows that. I do very well at writing out my feelings on a computer as I can rearrange them into a process that makes sense.

 My feelings and words can be completely scattered but on a computer they can be put back together like a puzzle. So, for me, one of my goals is to try to get out of these ruts faster. I see this is a stressor in my life and like in my last article, if I choose to accept it, I am choosing to be a victim.

 ADHD—Attention deficit disorder…it’s name to me seems almost dismal. If you find synonyms for it, you would see it basically means I have a shortage of concentration and it is causing me to live in chaos. Does that term not almost label a soul to be a victim? So, what can I do?

 In my mind, I try to see the advantages. I am…Creative, funny, warm hearted, intuitive, enthusiastic, passionate, willing to take risks and I always can get back up when I fall. So, if I have that many good qualities, what’s stopping me from helping myself back up and fixing things that are stressing me out?

 What I do know is, this process, like any other, takes time. It takes time to figure out how to ask questions to stop the “Breaker” from flipping off. So for me, I need to learn how to stop and step back. I will try a few experiments and get back to this…for now, I am working on becoming better.