Being Secure with you: Being constructive

by Stephanie Hurd in Uncategorized

December 22, 2012 • 2 comments

I want to expand on the positives and constructive attitudes I listed at the end of the destructive article. I blame my cute husband. He always tells me in every article I do, it seems like I have to write three more out of them. I love him though because of it as it makes me expand my knowledge.

The first being your own confidence; the hardest thing to build within yourself is confidence when you have nothing to go by. So let’s see if I can shed some light. Look what we’re already good at. We have all achieved something in life whether we know about it or not.

For me, I can say I have graduated high school and college. I have been in two plays, won a choir award, and had a volunteer of the year award. I got the third highest mark in a high school class. And I am sure there are many others but I can’t think of it right now.

When you feel bad about yourself, list off what you are good at and what you have done. It is important to remember even when you feel broken, you are good at many things therefore, you are still a whole person, just wounded by whatever is bugging you.

Share your love freely. This is something hard for people. They want to close down and not share anything as they believe if they open up too much, people will use them as well as show their flaws. It is true that people spill secrets you told just for them. Secrets that do not make sense to share when you have just spoken to them in confidence. However, is it worth being so afraid?

I am currently fighting with this. Not necessarily withholding love but withholding trust as I still don’t know where I stand with a certain group of people. I want to be close with these people but sometimes I feel like they are looking for my flaws to put on display. It hurts.

Sharing your love freely simply means to listen to their needs, provide hugs and smiles for them as needed. Not expecting people to change for your benefit but rather to help them change or succeed for their benefit. Speaking up when something is hurting them. Wiping tears when your friend is sad. Allowing yourself to shine through as a person and not to lie about who you are, this allows you to love people. For if you are anyone but yourself, you are lying which is a form of fear instead of love.

Making choices is an important part of living a constructive life. When you hold off on making decisions in your life, you make it stand still. Having someone make decisions for you is not necessarily healthy as we are in charge of our destinies and no one else can really know what’s best for you. The decision can be yes or no, but you have to make choices. Choices whether right or wrong have consequences that will teach the person it was either a good idea or a bad idea.

I one time overheard a parent who had an adult ADHD child. They had spoken about how they thought their sons life was being wasted. This son had a job, would work and then crash. They assumed he should be exercising or getting out with people. The son would also give the parents his paycheck and they would chose how it would be divided. They don’t make their son pay rent but he leaves messes everywhere and don’t want to kick him out.

This hurt me. The son has problems dealing with money, so instead of dealing with it and finding ways around it, he lets his parents make decisions. This leaves the parents as caregivers for their son for the rest of their lives. It makes it that the parents feel responsible to make their son get out. It isn’t their responsibility nor should it be.

I admit, I did live with my parents until 25. However, my Dad would not take my money and divide it. My father would charge me rent and finally got sick of doing my laundry so made me do my own. He forced me into becoming an adult by making me learn how to do things for myself. However, if he hadn’t let go, I do feel I would be a different person.

The ability to have educated ambition goes hand in hand with making choices. Looking at something you want and deciding if it is worth it, is a very important thing. Having ambitions is not wrong. Dreaming is not wrong. However, making educated reasoning for your ambitions is wise.

For instance, my brother in-law wants to run his own business in the future and make lots of money, that’s his goal, a worthy goal. However, what is he willing to do to achieve it? What is his business going to be? Can he finance it on his own? Making sure you have all the information before going after a goal is important.
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Shadowing and learning about your goal will help you to better achieve it. You have to look at all angles of life to make a goal happen properly. If it is not working, ask yourself, is this goal working for my life? How can I modify it to become a better goal? Who can I ask to help me with my goals (As we don’t have to do everything on our own)?  Always remember, if something just is not working after trying everything, you must realize maybe this is not a goal I can achieve now or ever. However, it doesn’t mean the journey wasn’t worthwhile as everything in life teaches us something.

Having compassion is a very important. Noting that others have feelings just like you do is imperative. It is something that needs  to be worked on every single day. Compassion is allowing you to love yourself even when it is hard. To co-suffer with a person is to have compassion. To realize they need love the way you do.

When people only look at their needs, it hurts them and those around them. Stop and take a breath, look at the person who is near you. What is his/her body language saying to you? Is this person slumped over and upset, if so why? Are you telling them what to think or trying to understand their point of view? Many times, we are so worried about what we need or what we want, we fail to ask others their needs.

Maybe the person isn’t the same as you. Perhaps they like to plan and you like to have a random moment once and a while.  That’s okay. Once in a while, you need to remember that if you do everything random, nothing gets done. Or the other way around, if everything is planned there is no room for fun.

Remembering others feelings does make life easier.  Compassion means not planning your next attack. HEAR, you have two ears to hear and one mouth.  You have two so you can hear better. Use them. It is hard to do so. Especially for us ADDers. We like to talk and look far more than hear.

Selfless love…acting because you want to do something nice for someone, no strings attached. I hate when someone like my brother offers me a gift and turns it around on me as a threat. It is no way to act. If you are going to give someone a gift, it is because you love them, not because you have something you want from them.

I made a goal to paint a picture for everyone I care about. I don’t do it all at once, I don’t ask for money but I do it because I love them and care about them. This is the most important thing I can do for them. It is something that comes from my heart.

I often stay at work later talking to people or keeping them company. I will stop and help someone if they need it on the street or open a door, not because I have to but because I want to and I love people.

Anyway, to summarize, I am working on loving people without wanting things back. I am doing my best to listen more and understand, to have compassion for what others are going through. I am trying to research things better when it comes to goals. I desire to make more choices and not to just stand still. I am making an effort to share my love freely without conditions. I am trying to build my confidence by working with what I am good at, trying to allow that to soak up into my heart.

I am Stephanie, I have ADHD, I have a lot left to learn about being a constructive person but by golly I am getting there. Hopefully, one day I can be secure with M-E, me.