Yesterday I was talking to friends about cleaning. I told them cleaning for me was hard because it was almost like I couldn’t start. I tried several times but it seems I can’t always get started on my own. Once I am started I could clean and clean. I know my time of day for cleaning is in the morning. I know that if I eat and bathe beforehand I do better with it.
The hard part is not getting overwhelmed and quitting. I have to talk myself out of doing certain things. I will want to clean but there are many other things I could do instead. I am very artistic and I love to paint, draw, stare out into the horizon and get ideas. I could sit at the piano and tap on the keys. I could watch cooking network and immerse myself in all the beautiful styles of cooking. I could play games and imagine story scenes as I play each one.
Yes, there are thousands of things I would rather do than be a neat freak. However, I do wish my house could be slightly cleaner. Thank goodness I have an understanding husband who is patient with me when cleaning is just not an option that day. If I had a hard day at work or if I don’t have energy, he tries to be understanding.
Sometimes however, he just has to be supportive or just work with me. I often have to have him close by. If he is reading a book in the same room or further away while I am cleaning, I may get annoyed as if I am cleaning, everyone should clean. I’ll get jealous that he gets to do what he wants but I am stuck doing what I hate.
I wonder sometimes how I can talk my way out of this jealousy or out of the extreme anger I have for cleaning. It is so frustrating wanting to be cleaner but not knowing how to just do it. It is amazing the gift my concerta is to me. Now I have some of the focus I need to do tasks however, I don’t have the skills to make them happen.
People always say, “Just start.” That’s easy for you to say but where? Where do I start? How do I chose between the messy table, the stack of dishes or the countless dirty counters? How do I bring myself to open the fridge and organize it once a week when I forget that it even exists?
I used to hate the statement from my father, “Why can you spend five hours concentrating on a story but you’re not able to spend ten minutes cleaning without getting distracted?”
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My husband today mentioned how much cleaning I will have to do when I am a mother. Funny thing is, when I had my niece around as a baby, it almost seemed almost easier. I was still not perfect by any means but I had more motivation as I didn’t want her to swallow a penny or choke on a dried noodle.
I am hoping I can work though the emotional side of cleaning as well. I know that many of you readers know that cleaning does have an emotional side. Often people would condemn me as lazy or not motivated when really they had no idea how much I wanted to but had too much to clean in my brain.
I am planning on researching this subject. I am not a victim by any means and do not wish for ADHD to be a “Crutch” diagnosis. I really want to understand what makes it so hard to clean, what can I do to make cleaning easier? I know that I can become a better cleaner. I know I won’t ever be perfect but I do know this, I am smart person and I can do anything I want to do.
Sometimes, we have to figure out where we are before we can find a solution. I have been working on myself very hard these past few years. I want to keep becoming a stronger Stephanie. I want to keep learning and growing.
I know that this not the easiest thing for people with ADHD to deal with because it is easy to give up and just let your house slowly cave in. It is harder to work through it and find systems that work. I know there will be failure but I promise I am not giving up and I am proud of where I am as a person. I have come so far and will not be thwarted by anyone or anything…even my greatest nemesis, cleaning.
I am Stephanie I have ADHD and I will become better at cleaning.