Imagine this for five seconds. I was not a good student. I was pushed through school. I wanted to have a job. My father said to me, “Chose something. It doesn’t have to be a doctor or a lawyer. You could be a seven eleven clerk and I would be fine with it.”
I wouldn’t have been fine with being a seven eleven clerk. If I would have waved my white flag and said I will just do that, I would have felt very bad. So, although at this point I was still not medicated and still very much in denial of my ADHD, I had to take action.
Taking action was very hard as my mind couldn’t wrap around it. However, I knew quite simply, I was smarter than what I was currently displaying to others. I had to be true to myself.
I had to go back to school and fix my nonsense. The first thing was take a course. I took a Health Care Aide course. Now I must admit, I had trials going through this class. I failed things that I thought would be easy. Things I thought were hard I passed. I had to see my mother to drill stuff into my head over and over so I could just pass the tests.
However, I passed. I at least had that under my belt. However, it wasn’t what I wanted. I was still working way below average. I was still not being true to myself, allowing myself to grow.
What did I do? I went back to school again to try and fix the courses that I needed. I took English again so I would have the higher of the English classes. I passed with a sixty percent average—roughly a “C” average versus the “D” that I had been getting (Not due to intelligence but more to the boredom I was suffering from doing repetitive assignments). I went back and challenged the social studies test. I took biology…three times as I failed the grade 12 class.
I didn’t want to sit still. I got a job I loved a recreation mixed with nursing. This job suited me well as I could bounce from one to the other. However, when the job disappeared, I was forced to go back to just nursing.
It devastated me! It hurt me because someone had gotten my job. Not because they were better but because of seniority. I went back to working evenings and had to watch from afar as my job was in the hands of someone else.
I felt like I was in the wrong career. It was like wearing your shoes on the wrong feet, it felt uncomfortable. I tried to make the best of it. When a job opening in recreation came up, at first I was excited. I was excited as I was sick of nursing. Although I was good at it, it wasn’t my passion.
However, I remembered what the interviewer (The manager) she had said, part of the reason was due to paper work. I had this habit of doing all my paperwork at the end of the month. It was the other reason she didn’t want to hire me.
However, she approached me when I didn’t apply. I got this job that made me thrive as a person with ADHD. I was to go to rooms of those who wouldn’t come out and provide them with activities.
I was also to play guitar in all units and play piano at lunch. I loved it! It wasn’t until they lowered our budget that I was forced to work on a unit again. I went from travelling and moving, no boredom to one unit. AND to make things worse, a new supervisor who added a lot on me that I would say yes to.
It would cost me my job as I was disorganized, had too much on my plate and wouldn’t admit to having ADHD until it was too late. I had to once again go back on the floor. It would be another three years before I would be comfortable again.
So why is this important? Being true to you is something very important. You have to be honest to yourself, you have ADHD yes but you’re still a winner.
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Some of the subjects that are important to me are: Being able to be independent (Being interdependent too), loving my husband to the best of my ability, having a job that fulfills me and to continuously grow.
What makes you feel whole and complete? Knowing this allows you to see what parts of your life complete you. When you know what you love and what makes you happy, you should do those things.
When I got married, I thought I was supposed to let go of everything I loved and only do what Michael wanted, that didn’t work so well for me or for him. Then I thought maybe he was only supposed to make me happy, that didn’t work. I supposed next we had to do everything together, that just caused a lot of pain.
What I realized was, I feel whole and complete with Michael. Yes, I want to make him happy but I have to make myself feel whole and complete. To be true to yourself, it is a balance. I cannot please everyone. I have had to learn this. I also cannot just do things for just me. However, I have to balance my time.
I have many things that make me feel whole. Meditating makes me feel balanced. I do a walking meditation to work. I meditate with my husband with Chakra meditation noises.
Painting and crafts make me feel happy and whole. Right now I am learning how to sew at work. Some projects are more interesting than others. I adore painting and creating things.
What makes you feel soiled or tainted? This has to do with the Negative monster. The negative monster who roams around making havoc in your life always just sits there. He wants to keep your spirit down but don’t let him. This is where you have to look at things that inspire you and make you feel good.
Take the things that bother you and deal with them, change them. If you cannot change them right away love the things that are not perfect. Some parts of people with ADHD won’t change overnight or won’t change period. You have to love yourself.
What makes your self esteem soar? Basically, what are you good at? These are things that make you the person you are. These are things that no one in their right mind will ever take away from you.
Things that build my self esteem are the smiles I bring to others. I am good at making people laugh. I am a fast learner for the most part. I am able to work really hard and because of it, I see good things come out of my work. I am getting really good at standing up for what I believe in.
What makes you feel proud of yourself? Look back and see what you have achieved. I graduated High School. I got a certificate for being a Healthcare Aide. I got high marks as I took my certification as a Recreation Aide. I am a bright light at my job.
So believe in yourself, trust yourself to make proper calls and judgement. Remember to look inside you for the good and trust it. Squish the negative monster.
I am Stephanie, I have ADHD, and I am learning to trust myself.