Every time I go for a walk, I seem to have inspiration to write. It is interesting how that works. Today, while walking, I saw a mailbox all covered with graffiti. When I see this, it always makes me sad. I have seen beautiful buildings marked up, glass shattered at bus stalls and more. It hurts. However, when I think about these things that were once made to be beautiful, I think about people.
When I was born, I was not born to be sadistic or joyful. I wasn’t born to be negative or positive. When I was born, I was new, innocent. My life turned me into who I now am. Some parts of my past have made me a very untrusting person. Other parts of my life have made my self esteem what it is.
Those are facts. What happens in our past affects us, period. It makes us angry, sad, happy and so forth. However, you don’t have to stay that way. You don’t have to keep letting your past pound you to the ground. It is a lesson I have had to learn over and over and over again.
When I had parent teacher interviews, my father would come in and tell them about my mother’s mental break down, my sister’s disturbing behavior, my becoming “Mom” and so on. It would make teachers treat me differently which I absolutely hated. It got to the point I had to tell my Dad to stop coming to them.
If I was failing or doing well in school, I wanted it to be about me, not about my family. Like it or not, it was my fault and my Dad’s I was not doing well in school. It was my fault because I listened to negative voices that told me, I was a loser. It was my Dad’s because he took me off my medication, made me deal with being mom and didn’t really give me much relief when he came home. I did a lot of the homework with the kids. I took care of a household and I felt I was too young.
At the end of high school, that was when I wanted to graduate. I was pushed through, the school helped me find a way. I had to use all the power within me to do school as I still couldn’t concentrate. However, I pulled most of my grades up two years after high school. I had worked my buns off to get there.
Although I am doing well now, I have to still wade through my past quite a bit to see what’s bugging me and how can I forgive myself/others for what has happened in the past. How can I move on and become a better Stephanie?
I know many people can relate to this. They want to wade through the negatives and move forward. So how do we do it? How do I do it? Well it isn’t easy. For me I am seeing a holistic therapist who helps me with the energy surrounding my issues within my body cells. Negative energy? Yes, it collects in you, it consumes you to the point that you cannot move on. I am seeking help with this.
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It has to begin by positive outlook. You want to believe you’re a better person? You have to dress and act the part. Dressing up in short skirts, skimpy shirts and so forth will make you look like a person who doesn’t have respect for herself.
A person who dresses in what they want to portray. If I am a business woman, I am not going to dress in a gardening outfit. If I want to be respected for who I am, I am going to dress in a manner that demands it.
For me, I dress in colors mainly for many reasons. One, they make me happy. When you wear bright colors make you feel happier, make you look approachable and make you stand out. Now it doesn`t mean you have to dress like me in crazy fun colors but it does mean to dress in a manner that makes you a better person. It is okay for women to show a little bit of their womanhood but don’t go overboard. There’s looking hot and looking like you don’t respect who you are. Avoid baggy clothes or clothes that are too tight. Both look bad.
Talk like you’ll be successful. This is a reprogram that I am working on within myself. You need to remember, the only person holding you back is you! If you say you can’t then you can’t. Replace it with “I can” and “I will”. Use words that will make you successful.
MEDITATE! Yes, I am saying this a lot lately but I mean it! Meditate, lay down and visualize where you want to be. Visualize the person you want to be. By doing this, you learn about who you are and what you want. It is a calming reprogram that will change your life.
I was heading in a spiral in my life. Working in a job where nothing was really going my way. I had to wear the same color all the time and hated going to work because it wasn’t fulfilling. Michael asked me what I wanted? I didn’t know. I took a walk and visualized where I was, where I wanted to be. It wasn’t in the job I was in. It certainly wasn’t a job to do with scrubs. I couldn’t create there, I was stuck there.
I visualized going back to recreation. I visualized what I could accomplish there. I was able to do what I needed to do. Thus, I was able to make a plan. It is hard for me to make a plan as I want everything now but making a plan made me successful.
Reprogramming also involves getting help. If you are having problems getting a job, seek a job counsellor. Stop being so stubborn and assuming you have to do everything yourself. If you’re in debt, it is okay to say, I can’t deal with my debt and to seek help to get out of it.
Most of all, reprogram yourself by placing a empowering statement you need to say. I found this beautiful store that has changed who I am. It is called Tibetan Trom (http://www.tibetantrom.com/) it is a place where I have found wall scrolls. I have placed two in the bathroom. One is about confidence and the other is about doing things in spite of what others think. They are things I can look at whenever I need a boost. I read them in the morning.
Anyway, I am Stephanie, I have ADHD and I am learning to change what I don’t like about myself. I will continue to receive help as needed, mediate, visualize what I want in life and talk/dress for success. I hope that people can try out these things and maybe tell me if they are working for them. Or hopefully come up with even more solutions to help me to continue to reprogram what I hate about myself.