Stress and The Validation Cycle

by Stephanie Hurd in Self esteem

November 10, 2013 • 1 comment

DANGER! Making people’s validation of you the only way you can gain self worth.  It is a process and a trap many people get into. If someone else isn’t praising you or telling you you’re not doing a good job, a person might think they are not worth anything.

AH! STOP!This evaluating your own self worth by what people think of you can very much be a debilitating thing. You can’t move forward unless people pat you on the back. You cannot be doing a good job if your system isn’t working for everyone.

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT? Sorry to say but not everyone will like everything you do or everything you are throughout your whole life. If you live just to please the person in front of you, then guess what you are open for a stressful life. When your body experiences stress such as this, it will react in ways you don’t want it to.

Our body is naturally equipped to react to stressful situations. If a car is coming towards you, your body will know to move out of the way quickly. It is the beautiful part of your body.

However, when that stress becomes negative, as in when you create too much of that stress, your body will react.

Did you know forty three percent of all adults suffer adverse health effects from stress? That is almost half our population! Seventy five to about ninety percent of all doctors visits are for stress related ailments and complaints.

YIKES! That my friend is a lot of stress.

When your mind becomes stressed, your body reacts.

Sometimes it show up in headaches. I have had stress related headaches for hours and have to tone down the stress or unwind before it will disappear.

You can also get stuff like high blood pressure, heart problems, diabetes, skin problems, asthma, arthritis, depression and anxiety.

Emotional disorders can become a chronic and debilitating thing…who knew? Who knew if we just treated the person, many horrible conditions may just float away.

Do you know what these symptoms look like?

You can have Cognitive sypmtoms…

• Memory problems
• Unable to concentrate (Worsened ADHD)
• Poor judgement
• Only seeing things negatively
• Anxious/racing thoughts
• Constant worrying

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You may have emotional symptoms…

• Moodiness
• Short temper
• Inability to relax
• Overwhelmed
• Always feeling Lonely/Isolated
• Depressed/Generally unhappy

You may have Physical symptoms…

• Aches/Pains
• Diarrhea/Constipated
• Nausea/Dizziness
• Chest Pain/Rapid Heartbeat
• Loss of sex drive
• Frequently getting sick.

Your behaviors may also change…

• Eating more/less
• Isolation from others
• Procrastinating/neglecting responsibilities
• Self medicating with drugs, alcohol or cigarettes
• Nervous habits suck as pacing back and forth

Emotions and stresses that are not dealt with can lead to sickness and yes even death if not treated properly. People in other words, to build their self esteem and to look good to others, are often working themselves to death.

I have noticed it in myself, it is a habit I am starting to break myself. It is a learned behavior I received from my mother.

I NEED TO PLEASE EVERYONE OR ELSE LIFE AS I KNOW IT IS NOT WORTH IT, THEREFORE I AM NOT WORTH IT!

Ouch!

Old lines of thinking are hard to look at. I see a holistic therapist to help me with this and to clear it from my body.

For me, I have to avoid habits my mother has developed in order to avoid some of the problems health wise and mental health wise she has been going through.

To do that, I have had to observe the parts of my mother that often hurt us as children. It has been a very hard thing to do to relive this part of life. This part of my mother was one that affected our lives completely.

I do not hate her for it nor do I blame her because I am sure her mother was similar. However, breaking a cycle will help me to not spread it to my children…I hope.

I will call it the “Validation Addiction” cycle. This cycle you can often see in people whose parents were neglectful of their needs or who always wanted them to be more than what they could be. Both ways, this kind of behavior, can be very hurtful to one’s self esteem.

You always have this feeling that if you do what a person wants, they will love you and finally be proud of you, therefore, you will finally be able to be proud of yourself.

However, this cycle is backwards thinking. From what I have learned, you have to be happy with yourself or you can never hold your head up high nor can you truly help others be the person they want to be.

This is a result of becoming a “Rescuer” type. The rescuer goes out and rescues everything/everyone, goes above and beyond what is required of them, in hope of becoming rescued by other people. They are mirroring what needs were not met through what they are doing for you or for others. So when you see this think…

ALARM!

There is somewhere in their life they are waiting to be rescued. The validating they are craving is simply a dingy being thrown out to sea to help them stay afloat. However, people like this need more than a dingy, they need to get onto the rescue ship called “You are worthwhile no matter what”.

Validation cycle is simply allowing them to float, when I say that, I suppose I need to explain the meaning of the validation cycle.

So here it is…

1)    People are not noticing me/validating that I am here. This is a slight realization. They know there is a hole, something in their life that was missing, a need that wasn’t met. However, instead of resolving that need, they want the band-aid, to stop that need from bleeding out. It can be a number of things that will get them recognition or noticed, therefore, they feel they exist.

2)    I have to do something to be noticed for! My very self worth depends on it, they don’t see me, I don’t exist! I HAVE TO DO THIS AT ALL COSTS, NO MATTER WHO IT HURTS. The person has to do something worthwhile. Not only to make themselves exist, the person has to do something to forget about the void. It could be making cookies for all the sick people at church, it could be writing the best paper out of all the students or having good evaluations. ANYTHING that will get you noticed. The hardest part about it is, you will do it at all costs. Your child wants one of the cookies or even to help with this project, NO! My project, my cookies for other people. It is get noticed at all costs or as a person, you do not exist.

3)    PRAISE! PATS ON BACK! I AM NOTICED! I EXIST BECAUSE I DID SOMETHING REALLY WELL! The band-aid has been put on. People are thanking this person…they are telling other people about their achievements. They are getting evaluated on what a good job they have been doing with this project. For a moment, the pain throbbing from the unmet need is not noticeable.

4)    PROJECT FINISHED, AS YOU WERE! This is the hardest part for the person. The project was scheduled, was exciting to carry out and the praise from it is outstanding. However, it is done now, people have gone back to their daily routines. The “High” of the good stress is gone. There is no more schedule for this project, there is no more pats on the back as it has been over for some time. The loss of recognition is almost devastating.

5)    DEPRESSION SETS IN, HIGH IS OVER, STRESS SNEAKS IN! Life isn’t worth it, no one has saved you even though you did these amazing things for them, you made them cookies, you wrote those papers that were published but it is old news. You want to move forward but you just can’t. You feel worthless and that empty need that was band-aided up is now throbbing again.

REPEAT CYCLE

The dependence for validation for your own worth never provides worth in the long run. Noticing this cycle is the first step on a road to finding your own self worth, being able to validate yourself and enjoy your life because it is yours.

Whether you need medicated help to assist you, someone to talk to or any other help to get you on your way is up to you…

http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/effects-of-stress-on-your-body

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/stress_signs.htm