I was working in the office today putting my paperwork in a big binder. I had a lot of problems with this last month. We have the most atrocious hole punch you will ever meet in your life. It has shiny poles on the bottom (Distracting to any ADDer). It has rulers on the top and a copper like piece on the top. It confuses the crap out of me. Not to mention, I have long papers I have to contend with—with a binder that is just as long. I tried last month and it looked like a three year old did it. Some of the papers peaked out of the top of the binder. Some holes peaked out of the side. Some papers were close to the bottom.
I felt shy, angry and almost sick that I couldn’t do what my coworkers were able to do oh so easily. I knew that I should have redone it but I was so frustrated I couldn’t.
The next month, I was faced with a new stack of papers…with new—horrid papers. I thought I could do a fourth of them and stick in the rest in and they might be straight. However, to my dismay, the plan back fired. One hole was missing, the other two didn’t line up properly.
I had made a MISTAKE! One that I had done already, one I had walked away from last month. Here I was, doing it all over again. What did I do about it? I decided, it was time to OWN MY MISTAKE! I got out the reinforcements (Not the army the circle hole fixer uppers). I made a new hole with the hole that didn’t fit. It took me longer to finish the task but it looked better.
We all make mistakes, own them. They are yours. Do not run from them, face them. The more you lie about your mistakes and the more you run from them, the less you learn. You can run, but be prepared to create a hole where learning could have been found.
I am bad for this. I often say I will run away or go somewhere else when I am faced with hurting people’s feelings. I know I have wronged many people and fear the feelings I am about to face.
I HATE hurting others as I am empathetic and feel it. The ones you love the most are always the ones you hurt. You hurt them because they are there. You hurt them because you say mean things about yourself as that’s all you heard when you were a kid—mean things about how stupid, lazy and horrible you were. You just don’t mean to hurt them but you do.
I hate it though. I hate the feeling that I am afraid to face my mistakes. In many ways, I have gotten better. But in many ways I have fallen again and again. When impulses come out quickly, apologies are needed.
When someone hurts me, the feelings stick with me like fly paper. Once your hand is on fly paper it is hard to get it off. However, I need the other person who hurt me to stay and help me get over it. One person cannot fix something two people created. It takes two to fix when it comes to a two ended problem.
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Do it because if you don’t, learning and changing cannot happen. When you think about running think about a HUG—Halting, Understanding and of course, Garbage.
Halt, stop yourself from running away from problems so you can learn. Understand people, take the time to listen and be patient for a good response. Take out your personal stinky garbage by simply allowing yourself to say sorry and make amends when possible.
You know what a real good hug feels like? Warm, safe and strong, that is a hug through and through. Take the time to feel this good every time you face a problem. You will be rewarded greatly.
I faced the evil paper problem. In fact, the book looks way better than it did last time. I am proud that although my “Ooooh that’s shiny” disorder gets in my way of perfect paper organization. I have enough power to say, I can. I can face that I made a mistake and I can use my power to fix it even if it takes more time.
Your mistake may be more embarrassing or more harmful than paper. But remember, the people you hurt are often just waiting for their chance to be loved by you. They are waiting for you to mend that fence and try again.
I am Stephanie, I have ADHD, and I am responsible for my own actions. I make mistakes and I am trying to learn how to own them.