It’s very hard not to notice that it is Valentine’s Day as marketers, colleagues, and every calendar is all but screaming that today is the day to express appreciation and attention to a loved one. Though I don’t have ADHD expressions of love come difficult to me and it is all too easy to simply play the “I’m a Man” card.
In the day to day grind I can often neglect those sweet nothings that mean so much. So today, and by no means will this absolve me in the future, I wish to publicly declare my love for my wife.
I know this blog is just getting started so you don’t know too much about us yet. One thing “essyj” has kept secret is that we were married just 3 weeks ago. But that isn’t the focus of my post today. Though you may not know us, I’m sure many of you are familiar with how ADHD can affect a relationship.
There’s all sorts of negatives with uncommunicated expectations that aren’t met. Tasks and things I would consider to be straight forward that almost seem callously tossed aside due to her distraction/hyper-focus hurt and build up resentment unless we work at clarifying communication between us and open our eyes to how we express our love one to another.
Awhile ago I was left perplexed on how to react to EssyJ upon my arrival at home from work while EssyJ enjoyed her mid-week day off. On my drive home I was yearning for the simple pleasure of seeing that EssyJ would have done some, in my mind, simple chores around the home. I was gearing up to lavishly praise her for those things and I come in and none of the myriad of things I thought that EssyJ could have done with her day off were checked off. It was a crushing blow of disappointment that my humble dream expectations hadn’t been delivered upon.
Instead distraction had crept in. But I couldn’t be mad at my sweet EssyJ because among those distractions she’d spent hours working on a culinary masterpiece of a meal for me, her lover. It brought a smile to my face as I was reminded again at our different styles of communicating our love. For that afternoon, EssyJ had been focused on what she thought was the best way for her to show her love to me. Would I have traded that devotion for some clean laundry? No, of course not. I appreciated her efforts and enjoyed the meal with a big smile. (I then went out and got a food processor to save her many hours in the future of chopping vegetables).
There are many other such stories, and I will share more in other posts, but the point is to make sure that my eyes and ears are open to the many ways she communicates her love and for me not to impose conditions on my reciprocal love. As the two of us grow in our relationship and as I observe other relationships, I’ve made a small and incomplete list of why I smile over the blessings of having an ADHD wife.
1) She is creative. I marvel at her talents and I am appreciative in how she uses them both for herself, others, and especially me.
2) She is smart. I like having someone with varied interests and who can converse on topics both serious and frivolous.
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4) She is forgiving. I’ve made many mistakes, but a common characteristic I’ve found with ADHD is not dwelling on the past and to simply love a person right now.
5) She is very affectionate. Part of me was worried that it might be ADHD relationship hyperfocus as I’ve read elsewhere along with being in the honeymoon stage, but I’m feeling more at ease with it as our relationship matures and can simply say with a smile that she loves me.
6) The sex is great. We mesh very well in the need for stimulation. Other posts are sure to follow on this topic.
7) Pushing for new adventures. She is always eager for new experiences while seeing the marvels in the mundane. It could be the excitement of an exotic destination, a local playground, or the stuff found in books and documentaries/movies.
There’s many more things that I love about her as this is only scratching the surface, but with time restraints and I am still learning to express myself this post will have to do for now.
Warm encouragements to everyone to be appreciative of their loved ones and to actually vocalize it. People with ADHD may be very perceptive, but they aren’t mind readers and saying “I love and appreciate you” does go with saying it.
So to my wife. I love you.