There is nothing more frusterating to an ADHD person as to be demoted back to a kid by the one she loves. Many spouses who have an ADHD partner will treat the ADHD partner as if they are a kid. Sometimes, a person with ADHD will make child like decisions with child like stubbornness. However, let me make this perfectly clear, it does not make us children. I am an adult who works in the adult world. I have to get up every morning and dress myself. I go to work making decisions that will formulate my day. I have to do my work or I do not get paid.
Learning to treat adults with ADHD can be hard as often ADHD pick people who are responsible and parent like. We pick people who are often times ones we feel comfortable being ourselves with. I know I love my husband for the fact that I can be me—most of the time. I can be random. I can chose medication vacations if needs be and he will make the day stimulating so I don’t need it. I adore him he is my heart and my life. He is my biggest supporter and without him my life would be a lot different.
Make this point severely clear in your mind though, yes, we love our spouses for how they pick up the slack at times but no, we are not children. I do sometimes lose sleep over how I cannot always clean the house as my job is very physically, emotionally, socially, spiritually and mentally draining. You have bosses constantly calling you out to ask a question about why something was done the way it was. The people you work for screaming for things to be done now. You have their families screaming for things to be done now. You have your supervisors loading more work on you.
So often times as I come in the door, the minute I sit down, I first must unscrew my smile and try to find the energy to do something. Sometimes that means making supper or doing some small task. Believe me though; work is very draining for a person like me. I put my heart and soul into this. Finding the energy is very difficult. However, it doesn’t mean I don’t want to help my husband keep up with chores. It doesn’t mean that anyone shouldn’t expect an ADHD person to do nothing and become the newest child in your family.
Things I have learned about myself are simply this: I get overwhelmed. There isn’t an ADHD person out there who doesn’t get themselves overwhelmed. We see the big mess and a million ways to start but don’t know which one to choose and as a result, sit down frustrated. So, you wonder then, how do you get an ADHD person to assist you without making them a child?
Everyone needs regrouping times. Times to sit there and point out what needs to be done and how to accomplish it; this is like the medical DARP response.
D=Data, what do you see is the problem? What areas of the house need cleaning? What can we do as a team? What can we do on our own? A person with ADHD can be sucked into their own little world where one hour of TV turns into four or one hour of painting turns into an all day thing and you forget to eat. Sometimes, they don’t do stuff not because they don’t want to but because they go so far into their own version of wonderland that they cannot see anything else. When this happens, allow them some time in wonderland but it is okay to put a hand on their shoulder to bring them back to reality and present them with data when they are ready to hear you.
Allowing them to view the data with “I feel” or “I appreciate when you…” statements will allow them to see your point of view without feeling like you’re personally attacking your spouse. For instance, “I appreciate your need to sit down and unwind. I would really like to do that with you but I see those dishes in the corner. They are piling up and I know that if we do them together it will go faster. Do you mind lending me a hand?”
Give them the data is the main key as if you don’t and just do it yourself, you will feel overwhelmed. Show them or tell them what is going on. Maybe the piles are building up. You can show them their worst pile. You can tell them about the fridge smell and how disgusting it is or show them something mouldy. Whatever it takes to allow your spouse to see what’s going on.
One must be aware that there are no passion and spark in your relationship that attract you towards sildenafil for women each other. These pills enhance the love-making capability of the body to handle active sex which is different in different individuals. cialis professional india abacojet.com Use Kamagra drug only if you are having the complete information about the medicine on the precautions to be taken and what side effects of this medicine is Tadalafil. viagra for women uk Shaolin cialis prescription http://abacojet.com/category/uncategorized/ Soccer In 2001, Stephen Chow made a movie that tells the story of a Shaolin monk named Sing played by Stephen Chow himself.
A= Action. We know something should be done but sometimes cannot always get our motor running. Action promoting things such as the word “Let’s” are very helpful. “Let’s go plan dinner” or “Let’s go grocery shopping” or “Let’s go clean the fridge” are nicer than… “You are so annoying, you never have dinner ready when I get home and you’re here first” or “Those cupboards are so bear, I swear I have to do everything myself.” The “Let’s” phrase makes us want to move.
Action as well can be, when your spouse wants to help, let them. They want to clean and voice it, don’t waste it, just get up and clean. If they say first thing in the morning they want to clean, and then help them to take the steps to do it. Take that task, break it down with them and look at what happens. Thank them for actions that you appreciate. Don’t hold back on positive and watch as your house gets cleaner.
So basically for you, Action is any measures you take to help the situation move forward. Maybe it means just leaving them alone and you clean—only once in a while. Perhaps it is about you aiding them to aide you. Whatever it is, actions always must be taken.
R=Response, how did they respond to your actions? Am I crying? Am I helping you? Am I angry? It will say a lot about how you’re treating me or how I dealt with your actions. Simply put, watch for the response of the ADHD spouse. I’m not saying walk on egg shells all the time. I am saying, notice what happens. If every time I am upset over something, you have to look at the response to the action. You have to note what goes on in order to promote change as change is important for personal growth.
Watch for facial features and body language. Ask questions to see why the response is the way it is. Don’t leave it alone. By talking through it, you will find that the frustrated adult ADHD person just needs to be heard. When I say talking through it, I mean both parties responding to the actions taken as if only one responds and the other one buries it deep within, nothing is solved.
P=Plan. What can I do better next time? What will I continue to do? How can I monitor this situation if it hasn’t diffused? Plans are about implementing things for the good. In nursing, if your data was, patient threw up after being given orange juice, had a temperature of 36.9ºC. Your action was: got a basin, gave ginger ale and gave Gravol. The response was good. Now your plan would be to not give her orange juice, perhaps she is allergic to it. To monitor the patient for further stomach upsets is another part of the plan.
If the response is bad, try to plan a new way to respond. Every Action (or plan A) needs a backup plan for its backup plan. Learning to see things from more than one view will make for a happier spouse. Maybe cleaning times don’t work well for them right after work. So you give them distraction time only their response is to get sucked into distraction time. The response for you is to do it all yourself while the ADHD spouse is playing a computer game. Which makes you angry, the spouse feels it and becomes upset—you now have two angry people on your hands.
So maybe your plan is, yes she needs distraction time but the ADHD person needs a timer to remind them of reality so they can quit. But if you instead of coming up with a new plan just assumed, “I need her out of the house so I don’t get sucked in her world. I wonder who could babysit her for a few hours…” that’s not appropriate, that turns us into babies, something we’re not. You will figure that out by the response we give you and then can formulate new data, new actions and note new responses.
No plan is perfect, trial and error is the key. Keep trying and keep telling yourself in response to your ADHD spouse: “She is an adult. I may have to help her come to conclusions but they are her conclusions decisions she wants to make. Her responses are hers. I can only chose what kind of person I will be and aide her to realize the potential she truly has.” Believe me, she or he has potential stop and look at them as adults and soon you will realize it.