Mia (Not real name) was what we call the unofficial boss. Mia loved to boss even the bosses around. She had many tactics. For the higher ups, she cried when she didn’t get her own way. For her main supervisors, she treated them like they didn’t know their own jobs…as if they were stupid. For us, she acted like our superior and ordered us around. More than that, she would check to see if our work was done and would say stuff like, “There’s no excuse for not finishing your paper work.” Yep, Mia is a character alright.
Mia goes out for a smoke and raves how stupid the people who didn’t smoke were. When she came in she raved about the stupidity of the bosses and how they were all superficial. She would then explain why the place we worked in sucked. She backbites just about everyone and kicks people down for not listening to her. The funny part is, she thinks she deserved the employee of the year. When she didn’t get it she said, “Leticia so didn’t deserve that award, what does she really do? I work harder than anyone in that whole building.”
She even went as far to attack me on several occasions. My boss gave me special permission to sing Christmas carols since we had one extra staff (Well and because I am very musical and play guitar). My Boss informed Fan (Not real name) that she would be taking over for me while I did this. When something came up that was my responsibility, the other girls were left wondering what happened to me. However, they fixed the mess and carried on. Fan wasn’t doing her end as she forgot that my break was second and she went first leaving my partner alone.
Mia decided to take it upon herself to discipline me. “Yeah, you just think you’re so special, leaving before all your work was done!” She snapped. She glared at me, “There’s no excuse for doing such things.”
She did the same thing to another one of my colleagues! She basically told everyone even though Uma (not real Name) was most behind, everyone else was to leave her work for her to do. She yelled at Uma in the hall stating, “Why the @#$$ should we have to do your work for you? Grow up and be responsible. They’ll fire you, did you know that? For being so lazy!” Meanwhile, she had three people she had to contend to and was unable to deal with a pile of work.
She made me cry that day and shake inside. This is one of many times she has done this. The whole time I think, Mia, you’re my equal, you have your own work to do. Why are you bothering me? What do I have to do to get you to leave people alone?
There have been many campaigns around to prevent bullying and yet it is still going on. It happens in the work place, it happens at home, it happens at school and it happens in various other places. Why? Why do people do this? How come we get so beaten down by it?
People who say these things to you like, “You’re worthless”, “You’re hopeless”, “You’re ugly” and “You are soooo lazy”, probably had these same things said about them! Either that or they feel so self conscious about their worth, their work effort or their beauty. It is hard to look at one’s self and find the flowing flaws that fluctuate through them every day. It is so much more refreshing to yell at someone else.
The bully almost always wants to punish someone else so someone can feel as they feel. If they feel low, the incomplete person wants company and desires to make you low. Honestly, I mean if you feel low, how easy is it to be around happy people? It’s excruciating!
An incomplete person finds ways to push others away or make them feel they are the ones in control. If the bully does this, they feel as if no one can knock them down. It’s almost as if when they knock you down and everyone else, then there’s no one left to get them. (Too bad new babies are born every day huh?)
The incomplete person makes it up in their mind that: “No one understands me.” Okay, I will never “be” these people who punish themselves by saying negative things. However, it doesn’t mean I can’t have some visual picture. I wish the bully or as I will refer to them as, the “Punisher” would ask themselves, “Is this behavior helping me?”
Punishers puts up big walls. It is like an army trying to get through their emotional defenses and so, forts and heavy machine guns are established.
There are many structures that are considered very strong scientifically. The one with the most strength is the triangle. When many triangles are placed within the structure the structure itself become sounder. Thus, in my example, I will not use a box, I will use this three cornered structure.
They have been hurt many times thus, they put up three different walls of a triangle are erected. Why are these walls erected? Punishers have been punished by others they have been thrown down several times. Soon people become sick of this. They then find a solution, a structure that will keep people away. They don’t want to put themselves on the line. Thus, they build a structure, first to trip a person so they slow down and soon it mutates into something more, a huge structure.
These three walls are: Destined, Revenge and Reputation…
The first is the “Destined Wall”. They choose their destiny. They decide right away to not succeed. They may appear successful in aspects but emotionally, they are destined for failure. Why? Why choose it! They decide things like, “If I keep people away, they can’t hurt me ever again.” This wall is built up after time. I have met many adults that do such things. They do it because they don’t want to feel pain. Pain though, like it or not is going to come through whether you like it or not. I am usually a big optimist but in this case, reality is, you cannot know how happy life can be without seeing a contrast of pain and sorrow. However, if we keep trying to avoid pain, we will never experience things that will allow us growth.
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The next wall is one I hate, it is the “Revenge wall”. The revenge wall is built and fortified so that you can feel better about yourself while tearing others down. It is loaded with many different types of “Punisher Soldiers” that the person uses to keep people away from their true selves. Revenge wall is the most difficult and hard to break down.
The last wall, the Reputation wall. This is their identity, their way of showing people who they are before people meet them. “Punishers” want to be feared. If they are feared then others won’t fear them. This is often where emotional and physical abuse come into play. If you hit them, the other person will be scared to come against you thus, your fortress will not be taken down. This is a very dangerous wall. You have to build this reputation brick by brick. It rolls around on tongues of people and all those who didn’t know you before now know you well.
Now that you know the walls, you can find tactics on bringing the bully into a new light, he is a person who is putting up walls to avoid getting hurt. (s)He may not be trying to hurt you. The person is merely doing this as a form of protection.
People who realize they are bullies: it’s good to recognize these walls and realize why you do it. Like in the last article about rain only we’ll modify it.
Bullies, let it RAIN! It works for those negative comments and those behaviors that need altering. We need to let this rain happen constantly and not letting ourselves use excuses as to why we let these behaviors continue.
ADDers, don’t let bullies beat you down! We’re good at wearing our hearts on our sleeves. When someone makes fun of us or chastises us, we take it as if they actually blew up our house and made us live in a box. We become horrified, suck into our little hyper focus box land and don’t want to come back out.
Hard to avoid bullies, let’s stop being hyper focus box victims and become our own people. We don’t have to believe it! We can move forward and pull ourselves up knowing we beat down the walls of the punishers in our lives.
ADDers, learn to love your bullies. You don’t have to like them, but love them anyway. I promise I will keep trying to understand punishers and why they punish. I will learn more skills for all the ADHD people out there to help them to not be victims to their bullies.