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Being Secure with you: Communicating with ADHD partners

by Stephanie Hurd in Uncategorized
January 10, 2013 3 comments

I have been working on this lovely secure project since August…six months of thinking and reflecting about how a person can be secure with themselves by:  being truthful with yourself, letting go of negative emotions, revamping things we hate about ourselves, making peace by loving yourself, crushing your pity party, learning to be more constructive, living your dreams by making goals and getting support.

It has been a journey of learning as each time a subject came up, it was like I was flooded with lessons I needed to learn before I could even bother writing about it. They were things that hurt me and hindered my progress. These are subjects that to this day I still need to reflect on and work through day by day.

Now, as I come to the end, I hope that I can give a gift to others. There are many types of learning. One of my most respected types of learning is learning through others experiences so that we don’t have to go through the same mistakes they did. Thus, you don’t have to have the same misery that person had.

So if you’re reading this, I hope you can learn through me so maybe my mistakes can save you from making mistakes that are similar.

This is a topic that is close to my heart. Communication, as a person who both suffers and thrives on ADHD, one of our biggest problems is communication. If we aren’t in the middle of the party or being heard right away, we become frustrated. If we don’t get our answer right away, we become upset and draw our own conclusions—and they’re often wrong.

So what are good do’s and don’ts of communicating with ADDer?

Well first of all, child or adult…this is a statement that happens all the time. Don’t treat adult or child like a child. When people think about ADHD they often think of childish, stubborn and hard to get through to them. When you begin treating them like a baby by talking down to them.

For instance, let’s say your husband wants you to pick up laundry left in the bathroom for three days. Ooops, you forgot about it or procrastinated—whatever. Anyway, he looks at you and says, “Honey bunny, you forgot the laundry dear honey. Could you go pick it up please with sugar on top?”

I am going to think, “Umm no, you pick it up Dad.” You can’t help it, you revert back to when you were when you were a little baby and Mommy and Daddy pick up after you.

Or—

“Dear, I understand you have a lot of things you would like to do but would you be able to pick up your laundry in about ten minutes or after your done your painting?”

Notice, you’re doing three things, first you are being trying to be understanding, believing what they are doing is important. Second, you are allowing them to finish what they are doing. Lastly, you are giving them a time limit. We don’t always like the right now scenario but it doesn’t mean a time limit will hurt us.

Do talk! We ADDers love to talk but we also like to hear others. We talk a lot because we don’t like dead air. That’s the joy, the more dead air the more likely we’ll begin turning on our large brains and probing to see if there’s a problem or if there is some way to make you feel like talking. I know personally, I turned into a clown believing that’s the best way to get people talking and opening up.

When you let us do all the talking, we go on rants at times. We keep talking because we’re not sure if you understand. If you let us know you understand, arguments end faster, life in general becomes better.

Don’t ignore us. I know personally, when someone keeps talking to only one person at the table when there are three, it feels like I want to leave. Don’t ignore someone with ADHD. If you’re not in the mood to talk, then explain that in a nice way.

Do let us talk out our feelings. Do you know how many thoughts are rolling in that head of ours. Sometimes thoughts collide and we just want to get out of our heads! Don’t take it personally when someone with ADHD says things that you think are against you. Ask for clarification, most of the time they will tell you if you’re right or wrong.

Don’t tell us we socialize too much. People with ADHD need a chance to express themselves. Socializing is a piece of art or an accomplishment of reading a good book. It allows them to deal with the serious stuff easier. If you do have somewhere else to be or are getting tired, inform the person. If you hand an adult their coat and begin putting it on them without explanation it is demoralizing. It again turns your ADHD partner into a little kid and they’re not little kids.

When communicating with Adults with ADHD it is always important to remember one golden rule, do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Anyway, I’m Stephanie, I have ADHD and I am teaching people who don’t understand how to communicate with me, to communicate with others so that they will learn from mistakes I’ve learned and seen. I hope that you read it and remember lessons.

 

 

 

3 Comments
  1. http://www./ says:

    · That is really awesome about the bike! And I love that you admire your dad so much. And I LOVE your answer to #4. I can totally relate. Thanks for sharing, Fiona!

  2. http://www./ says:

    I’m really into it, thanks for this great stuff!

  3. http://www./ says:

    Including 80 audio and video demonstration teaching ㄉ course, the following is part of the common ㄉ software. please press left ctrl, right-hand point of mouse health, click on your favorite software, wait a while to display the download page, and then according to their own computer ㄉ Level. from shallow depth gradually progressive point of video files from the unit, you can open the file. Oh, remember to open speaker

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