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Help! I don`t know how to help others.

by Stephanie Hurd in Communication
April 27, 2013 3 comments

 

The other day I had a “Special” day at work. So many interesting things kept happening. I had to solve problems, figure out how to put plans into action and try to motivate people to work. You have no idea how frustrating it was.

When I was trying to solve a problem, three people came in and began trying to listen in as I was trying to diffuse a situation. As kind hearted as they were, I knew what would happen if it turned into a big group as I too have been overwhelmed by an overwhelming number of girls all surrounding me.

Some of them were just curious as to why I was crying. Others of them wanted to help me get over it. One girl told them to “Get the **** out”. At first I was shocked she said this but soon understood.

Sometimes people want to help, but you don’t want it. You don’t want a hundred suggestions, you don’t want them all in the room looking at you while you’re in your hour of need because you feel like you have hit rock bottom. You have to figure out how to pick yourself back up.

Like so many other ADHD people, I express first and think after for the most part. I am one who thinks out loud and before coming to a conclusion, I often offend people. So I thought to myself, this isn’t a secluded ADHD thing, there are a lot of extroverts who do this as well.

We as people with ADHD are very sensitive to people’s needs as well as very curious. It is hard to leave it alone. For me, I liked the thrill of helping people. I liked solving one problem and moving onto the next. However, sometimes, people would get upset with me because I push too hard.

So how do we know how to help? How do we know when to back off? We have got to become smart by using the “Other”  Method

 

O = Offer your help to them. Whether than wait to see if they want help by  hanging around like  a vulture, just as if they need you at that point. You will be surprised how many times I have been asked to leave a situation because they can better handle it than me. At first I was offended by this but sometimes, I really am not the best person for the job. Other times I am the better person for the job because like for instance, I might be distant enough from the problem that I am going to listen objectively versus the person who is wrapped up in the emotions.

T= Turn it around. Try to put yourself in their place. Think about where they stand. How would you like to be treated in this instance? It doesn’t matter if they are wrong or right, a bum or a lawyer, they deserve respect the way you would want it. When you’re receiving help, do you want “I told you so” or “Serves you right” no! I hate when people do that. Or if I need help, I don’t need someone needing me to tell them, “You’re amazing you’re the best thank you, oh yes thank you for your help.” Respect, turn it around and think about how you want someone to be there for you or how you want someone to listen and try to do it.

H= Hear…hear them. Listen…you were given two ears to hear and one mouth to talk. Hear them from where they are. Try to absorb what they are saying. This one is a hard one for anyone. Instead of hearing what they are saying, most times people are working on their plan of attack for how they can defend themselves or others. STOP IT!

The problem is not trivial. It means something to them. Stop thinking about it being something little. Yes, it may seem easy and lame to you but that’s why you don’t need help with it.

E=Evaluate …This is the hardest thing to do because first thing all of us wants to do is shoot out an answer. I know I want to. I have shot hundreds of answers out without thinking about them.  You need to evaluate what they have said, say it back to them!  Make sure you’re evaluating correctly. By saying it back, you can see if you have got it right or maybe you didn’t hear them correctly.  An example, “ When you said bring the unassembled dresser into the bedroom, did you mean you wanted me to rip the box open and start working on it?” It will save you hours of headache.

Evaluate means to assess to figure out the need. Ask yourself, did they just want someone to listen or did they want you to help them with a solution? If they want my advice I will give it to them. If they just wanted to vent, I need to stop trying to help solve their problems and be a good friend and listen.

R=Respond Appropriately.  You can give them advice that is okay. However, if they don’t take it, it is not the end of the world. Do not think they are not hearing you. They love you but in the end they make the decision not you. If they don’t take your advice that’s fine; You have to learn your way they have to learn their way.

Respond by helping people with what they need, if you can provide it. My husband has said again and again, there is a reason they tell you to put your oxygen mask on first if an airplane malfunctions. If you’re not taking care of yourself, and you have your own needs that aren’t being fulfilled, then you will hit rock bottom with the person you are helping.

Responding can also mean doing nothing. Think about firefighters. Sometimes when a building is burning, they have to assess the situation and respond appropriately which may mean leaving the building to burn out as it may not be worth the risk.

My sister for instance was my heart and I would have given anything to help her through all the struggles she went through, however, it wasn’t my place. I couldn’t think for her, I couldn’t live my life through her.

 

Anyway, use our “OTHER” method when you need it. Trust me, it will help. It is starting to help me. As I learn to offer, Turn the situation around, Hear people out, evaluate and respond, I am becoming a better person.

We aren’t perfect and this will take time for both you and I to implement but I am learning. I am Stephanie, I have ADHD and I am learning to help others as well as myself.

 

 

 

 

3 Comments
  1. Urdu Shayari says:

    Wow amazing this is nice article . thanks for share this info

    1. Stephanie says:

      You`re very welcome. I know sometimes we want to help everyone. Always remember yourself before you move onto others. I know from experience how we can break down if we don`t help ourselves

  2. It’s a very common situation for everyone who is suffering from ADHD, then many peoples want to help you but you are trying by yourself. Then you are refusing all peoples and each suggestion. I think you are giving a nice help to all ADHD people, it’s a very helpful suggestion please keep it up..

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